


First Night

by dimerization



Series: Feeling in the Pipeline [3]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, F/M, Mass Effect 3, Nonbinary Character, Nonbinary!Kaidan, Oral Sex, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Romance, Smut, Trans Character, Trans!Kaidan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-13
Updated: 2014-10-13
Packaged: 2018-02-21 02:28:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2451299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dimerization/pseuds/dimerization
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard's been working too hard, and probably spending too much time drinking alone.  Down in Crew Quarters, the lights are starting to bother Kaidan's eyes, so they decide to take a chance and see if she's up for an interruption tonight...</p><p>About 50% trauma/angst and Shep/Kaidan feels and 50% smut.  There is head and crying.</p><p>Kaidan is nonbinary and uses they/them pronouns in this series.</p>
            </blockquote>





	First Night

Ending it with Liara was one of the hardest things Shepard had ever done. Liara had given her to Cerberus and turning her down still cut like a knife. The worst part was that she hadn't even broken it all off because of Cerberus – that would have made too much sense, she reflected with a grimace. Try as she might, Shepard couldn't be angry at Liara. She'd acted out of love and ignorance and sheer desperation, and the hell of it was, she had been right.  _What if I_ had  _stayed dead?_ she thought.  _What if the Illusive Man had never gotten his claws into me?_ She stroked the scars with her fingertips, feeling the faint glow of the implants like warmth under her skin. She had to admit that without her, they'd be pretty screwed. Who else would have been willing to do what she had done? She shut her eyes on Eve and Mordin's faces with a dull pang, another ache among hundreds now, it seemed.

Garrus maybe – if he'd managed to avoid getting himself killed on Omega without her to back him up. Her mouth tugged itself into a wry grin. That crazy sonofabitch. Maybe, if things had been different... Her smile faded. But no, she hadn't left one alien lover for another. A hand clenched around her heart. She hadn't abandoned one alien love for another... Shepard massaged her forehead and poured herself a finger of whiskey, elbows on her desk, glass on a heap of abandoned performance reviews. Visions of the daughters she and Liara might have had, might still –  _no, stop it Shepard. Just stop._  She drank her whiskey off, wincing at the taste. It was a salarian brew and made not so much a bow to the Earth beverage as an aimless salute in the general direction of the Local Cluster. There was no accounting for alien taste, although it beat the batarian “wine” she'd picked up on the Citadel, which hit like vodka and went down about as smooth as turpentine.  _I never want a hangover like that again,_  she thought, pouring herself another drink – or two, she reflected, squinting at her glass.

No, she hadn't left Liara for the comfort of another alien's arms. She wrapped her fingers around her drink and stared blankly at her terminal, eyes unfocused, seeing Kaidan's battered profile in the med bay all those weeks ago. It was strange, an hour before they'd been tearing into her for dying – “I don't know what you are anymore” – she could still hear their voice, could see their untrusting eyes and the set of their shoulders.  _Jackass,_  she thought without rancor.

The last time she'd carried them back to the Normandy she'd been so young, it seemed, and they'd been even younger somehow, a sweet, brave, idealistic lieutenant with a crush on their CO, soft-eyed and ready to nuke themself to save them all. They were shot and bloody but conscious, panting but holding themself braced to make her job easier.

“We're almost there,” she'd said, taking the stairs quick and smooth.  Dr. Chakwas hurrying to help ease them onto the exam table, Kaidan's tense nod. She'd clapped them lightly on the shoulder and ducked out as the doctor began to strip off their armor.

But Mars... That synthetic lifting them up one-handed, seeing them dangling, helpless, half-hanged by by their own helmet. Had she yelled their name, or only thought it? She still couldn't remember. From the first blow she'd been sure they were dead. Without hope she had killed the Cerberus mech, and certainty lay like ice in the pit of her stomach as she gathered their limp body in her arms and slung them over her shoulders. They were bigger now, and a dead weight on her back, no active passenger this time. No choked-off words came in answer to her whispered prayers, no hand was braced against her back; their muscles lay slack under the hard shell of their armor. She couldn't feel their heartbeat through the plating, couldn't hear them breathing. Laying them down, getting their helmet off – time froze as she saw them draw breath. The scent of them washed over her – had she ever noticed it before? Under the blood and sweat was the smell of soap and their soft, black hair. It ripped through her, neck and neck with the knowledge that Kaidan living in that moment meant little without a doctor on board, that there might be nothing any doctor could do, that they might never wake again no matter how fast the Normandy could carry them to what remained of civilization. That realization plunged Shepard into a terrible silence that even Liara had trouble breaking.

She came shuddering back into time at Liara's frantic insistence, and gave orders half-thinking. Tearing herself away from Kaidan's side to speak to Hackett was impossible but she did it anyway, bringing what parts of her would come to answer the admiral's summons. She couldn't think about Alenko then, could hardly think at all, slamming down a wall between herself and her fear and setting it aside for later. The mission had to come first and it always did in the end, but – she wanted to deflect with platitudes,  _What is a commander without her crew?_  But later, alone in the darkened med bay, she poured herself a double with shaking hands.

It was a long and painful vigil, that endless night with Kaidan, watching their weary chest rise and fall, rise and fall. She breathed with them, searched their battered profile for any flicker of movement, checked their fluids, chafed their icy hands. No one interrupted her and she made no pretense of working. She put away most of her bottle that night, some dubious spacer concoction whose name she could neither pronounce nor remember how to spell. It didn't taste like much, and it got the job done.

Joker woke her over the comm as they approached the Citadel. She came awake in an instant with no hangover to speak of, drenched in terror that Kaidan had died while she slept. Freshening up in the med bay sink, the fruits of the night's thinking came clear in her mind. Kaidan wasn't just a former crewmate, they weren't just a pretty face, nor an Alliance soldier, nor some old friend turned... who knew what. For better or for worse, she felt – something – they were – important. Precious. She wanted them back on her ship. She wanted them on her team, in her life – she  _wanted_  them.

Was it watching Earth fall that changed something in her? Was it Kaidan who had changed? Or was it just that seeing them die – nearly die – had shown her how much they'd always meant to her? She sipped her whiskey, pulling up her email and reading their message for the thousandth time.

 

_Hey Shepard,_

_Thinking of you this morning. It was good – really good – to spend some time with you last night. If you're having a bad night, or just need to talk, buzz me on the comm, day or night. I'll come running._

_\- Kaidan_

 

The thought came to her unbidden –  _Liara's not the only one I could have daughters with._

“No!” she said aloud.  _No. I can't. It's the whiskey talking._  She drank it down in spite of her excuses, grimacing as it burned her throat, and poured herself another. The room swam pleasantly. She leaned back in her chair, staring at the ceiling to avoid staring at her comm panel.

“I'm too drunk to be calling them up,” she said to the light fixture. “What is this, my first posting? Christ, now I'm talking to myself. Getting senile in your old age, Shepard.” She rubbed her eyes with the heels of her hands. The comm panel buzzed and she froze, then slapped a hand down to take the call without looking to see who it was.

“Hey, Commander.” Shepard flushed warmly at the sound of Kaidan's voice.

“Kaidan! What can I do for you?”  _I am a giddy child with a schoolgirl crush,_  she thought,  _and the worst part is I don't even_ mind.

“I was hoping for a favor,” they said.

“Shoot.”

“I've got a migraine coming on, and the crew quarters are a little bright, a little loud, and I hate to wake Karin...”

“Please, come up for a bit if you like,” she said, smiling.  _I'm a damn fool for this asshole,_  she thought glumly.

“I'm not interrupting your evening, am I?”

“I need some interrupting. Get your ass up here, Major.”

“Yes ma'am.” They signed off. Shepard could hear their grin. She rubbed a hand over a grin of her own and got up for a second glass.

 

~~~

 

She answered the rap at her door with a smile still tugging at her lips.

“Hey Kaidan.”

“Hey, Shepard.” They caught her around the waist with one arm as they stepped over the threshold and kissed her all in one easy motion. She turned with them, putting her back against the door as it hissed shut, letting them lean on her.

“I was serious about that migraine,” they said. She brushed her nose against theirs, then her forehead, kissing their chin and jaw.

“I figured,” she murmured. “I turned the lights down. Can I get you something? I've got booze, water, I can probably scrounge up some tea...”

“Water would be great,” said Kaidan. “And bed... and you.” They drew her away from the door, closer to them.

“You're easy to please,” she said. They chuckled.

“Maybe not so easy. Of all the women in this galaxy, the great Commander Shepard – ”

“Now you're just flattering me.”

“ – is the one I fall for,” they continued, undaunted.

“Buttering up your CO, Alenko, will – ”

They shut her up with a kiss. Heat flooded Shepard's body as their tongue slipped into her mouth. Their hands were sliding over her back, caressing her shoulder blades, searching for a way under her coveralls. There were no pockets in their sweats to slip her fingers into so Shepard settled for just grabbing their ass, pressing their hips tight against her. Kaidan moaned into her mouth, cupping her neck and jaw in one calloused palm. Their delicate touch on her skin made her weak at the knees.

“Let me know if you ever need any more favors, Kaidan,” she said, rather breathless. They laughed.

“Okay.” She curled her fingers at the nape of their neck, tugging their head down for a series of quick, clinging kisses. Kaidan broke away after a moment and gazed down at her, their eyes unfathomable in the dimness. They stroked her cheek with a gentle thumb. She stood on tiptoe to kiss them again and they  pulled away teasingly; she groaned, thwarted.

“Didn't you promise me water?” Kaidan asked, a smile in their voice.

“And bed, as I recall,” said Shepard, raising an eyebrow.

“I'm on it."  Shepard winced.

“Ooh, I'm too drunk for puns.” Kaidan laughed aloud.

“Sorry Shepard.” She kissed the notch in their breastbone, their mouth being out of reach.

“Meet you in bed in a minute then.”

“Wait.” They stooped to kiss her and she surged up to meet them. They caught their breath as their lips met and then their hand was behind her head, their tongue in her mouth again, and it was Shepard's turn to moan. They didn't separate until both their hearts were hammering in time and their breath came ragged.

“Water,” Shepard murmured, eyes still closed, her forehead pressed to theirs.

“Right,” said Kaidan. They squeezed her briefly and then let go, turning toward the bed. Shepard paused at her desk, collecting a couple of glasses and admiring her lover.  _To think I ever got bored of humans,_  she thought, shaking her head at her own folly. She took her time filling their glass, watching as they stripped off their t-shirt, enjoying the surge of muscles in their back, the shape of their arms, the strength of their shoulders. They turned and sat back on the bed, watching her approach with warm, brown eyes.

“Having fun?” they asked.

“Course I am,” she said, handing them their water with a kiss. “You're here.”

They tugged at the straps on her coveralls, trying to pull her down onto the bed beside them.

“Ah – ” Shepard pushed them away. “Patience, Alenko.” They leaned back with an indulgent look.

“Let me get the lights.” She sauntered away, whiskey in one hand. Kaidan sighed.

“This is payback for not leaving our lunch back on the Citadel that day, isn't it?”

“If you like.”

“You're mean, Shepard.”

She flicked off the lights, noting how they seemed to relax in the dimness.  _Their head must be hurting them already,_  she mused into her drink, picking her way back toward them in the dark. They held out a hand.

“Now will you join me?” Shepard pressed a single finger to their lips, setting down her glass. Kaidan kissed her fingertip, clasping her wrist in their hand, their eyes never leaving hers. She broke away, stepping back so the starlight gilded her in blue and silver.  _I'm just drunk enough to pull this off,_  she thought wryly, and reached for the zipper on her coveralls.

Shepard took her time with the clasps and buckles, letting gravity pull her clothes away until they lay in a pool at her feet. Kaidan's face was in shadow, but she could hear them breathing. She stepped into their reach again and they put their hands up to touch her, a palm warm on her hip and their fingers stroking their way around her waist. Her eyelashes fluttered. She turned, drawing a breath as their hands slid over her.

“Help me with this, would you?” she said, slipping a finger under her bra strap. Her voice came out low and breathy, surprising her with its hunger. Kaidan's light touch on her back made her heart pound. They kissed the spot where the band had been, and she shut her eyes as the feel of their tongue on her skin sent heat pouring down her spine. She let the bra fall and Kaidan caught her around the waist, pulling her down onto their lap, kissing her neck. They held her tight against them; all Shepard could do was tangle her fingers in their hair and moan as they caught a nipple between their fingers.

“Harder,” she whispered, and the gentle tug at her breast became a pinch almost before she'd finished speaking. She gasped as the slight, stinging pain set a rush of adrenaline through her, and Kaidan sank their teeth into her neck with an eager groan, their arm locked over her hips. They nipped at her shoulder and Shepard gave a little whimper of pleasure, everything else forgotten as she melted against them. Kaidan ran their tongue up the rim of her ear, sucked at an earlobe.

“I've wanted to do this for so long,” they whispered. Their stubble was rough and ticklish against her neck; it was a moment before Shepard could speak at all.

“Oh, Kaidan,” she rasped, turning in their unresisting arms to kiss them full on the mouth, holding their face between her hands. “I want – ” She struggled to shift her body to straddle them, but they thwarted her again by pulling her down onto the mattress beside them.

The two of them lay there together, Shepard's breasts pressed against Kaidan's chest; she slid a hand over their bicep as they caressed her ass and thigh. She curled a leg around their waist, their lips just touching, teasing each other with the promise of kisses. Their cock was hard under their sweats, pressed against her through a few thin layers of cloth. Shepard rubbed herself against it, fighting the urge to shove Kaidan onto their back and take them, mindful of their migraine. She felt their cock jump against her as she kissed their neck, nipping at the skin below their ear.  They stroked the soft stubble on her head, panting with desire. She slipped a finger under their waistband and Kaidan shifted, tugging their pants lower over their hips. Shepard filled her hand with their ass, feeling their muscles flex as they pressed themself closer to her, their cock taut against her thigh.

“So,” she gasped, “I'm guessing you can – ”

“Yeah. It helps with the headaches, actually.” She brushed her fingers against their brow.

“You should have told me sooner,” she murmured. They laughed, but their eyes burned to match the fire inside her. Shepard slid her hand over their neck, down their chest, fingers caressing their stomach before slipping under their waistband, brushing against their pubic hair.

“Wait, Shepard – ” She hurriedly withdrew, resting an apologetic hand against their chest. Kaidan took her hand and held it, kissing the palm, making Shepard shut her eyes in pleasure. The naked desire and joy she saw in their face might have frightened her three years ago, but now all she could do was kiss them hard between her fingers. Kaidan gathered her against them as though they might never hold her again.

“Shepard, maybe it's old-fashioned of me, maybe it's silly, but I want to wait. Not on everything, obviously,” she felt the heat of their gaze on her bare, starlit skin and grinned, “but there's at least one thing I don't want to do yet.” They ran a gentle thumb along her jaw. “Maybe you'll say that's arbitrary or sexist, but – ”

“Hey, whoa, no it's not.” Shepard pulled back a little, looking them in the eye. “If you don't want to do something, it won't happen. Besides,” she smiled, “I think it's kind of sweet.” She saw their face crack into a grin in the dimness.

“I should have known you'd say that.”

“Reading my mind  _is_  your job, after all.” She kissed them deeply, basking in their nearness.

“Oh, Shepard,” they murmured. “You are so precious to me.”

“So are you, Kaidan. I... don't know how I could do this without you.” They pulled her closer.

“Thank god, you don't have to.” She clung to them for a moment, every limb wrapped around them, never wanting to let go. They crushed her against them in answer. For the first time in years, she felt completely safe.

“I'll always be here, Shepard,” they whispered. “Always.” She couldn't speak, so she kissed them as hard as she could. They bore it a moment before breaking away, wincing and rubbing their head.

“Sorry,” she murmured. Kaidan flopped onto their back, one hand over their eyes.

“Damn L2,” they said through gritted teeth. Shepard stroked their chest, kissing their sternum. They caressed the back of her head with one hand, keeping their eyes covered. She began to work her way down their stomach, trailing kisses over their skin like gold. They drew a slow breath as she passed their belly button, tickling her nose with their treasure trail. Their soft laugh caught in their chest as she slipped their pants down over their hips and their cock sprang free of the elastic waistband, hard and eager. It was fragile, perfect, flushed and aching for her, the warm, brown skin of the broad head like silk against her lips.  _They're the perfect size for me,_  she thought, tangling her fingers in their pubic hair and taking them into her mouth.

Shepard felt rather than heard Kaidan's groan as she sank down over them til the head of their cock just tickled the back of her throat. She sucked gently, slowly increasing the pressure as she moved her mouth up and down over them, stroking her tongue against the sensitive underside of their shaft. Kaidan's hand still rested lightly on the back of her head; they seemed to have forgotten about it. Shepard stole a glance up at them: they lay back, only the curve of their jaw visible to her, but they breathed in time with her caresses, and their hand lay slack over their face as they lost themself in her touch. She smiled, swirling her tongue against the head of their cock.

“Oh god, Shepard...” they gasped, reaching down to clasp her shoulder. She felt their fingers stroking the back of her head, absorbed in the downy feel of her shorn hair. She took all of them into her mouth again, wanting them to fill her, to be as close to them as possible. Their breath came harsh and ragged as she drew them into her, her lips and tongue never quite willing to let go as she stroked up and down their shaft. Shepard could feel wetness gathering between her thighs as Kaidan's fingers tightened convulsively on her shoulder; she began to move against them, her breasts pressing against their legs, moaning on their cock, stroking their balls with her fingertips, catching at their hips with her free hand. Kaidan cried out; they seemed to be groping for her name with the tongue of someone gone long past speaking. She felt their cock convulse inside her and plunged her lips down the full length of them, stroking them with her tongue and sucking hungrily. They shuddered, their whole body wracked with pleasure, their fingers locked around her shoulders, coming deep inside her. They were both crying out, neither of them aware of it; Shepard was lost in Kaidan's orgasm, shuddering with the need to touch them and to feel their touch.

At last the tremors subsided. Kaidan collapsed onto the mattress, completely relaxed, eyes shut, tired and blissful. Shepard withdrew somewhat regretfully, sucking the last drops of semen from their silken cock, making them sigh. She crawled up the bed to lie on top of them, underwear drenched, nipples aching at the tickle of their chest hair. She nestled under their chin, smiling as she kissed their breastbone; Kaidan wrapped an arm around her, trailing delicate fingers up and down her side. They kissed her hair.

“God,” they breathed.

“Feel better?”

“Yeah. Christ, I feel incredible.” They gave her a gentle squeeze, their palm warm against her ribs. Shepard reached up, slipping an arm under their head, kissing them on the mouth. Kaidan wrapped their arms around her, holding her against them. Suddenly their grip tightened, and they rolled the two of them over as she yelped in surprise. Together they kicked off Kaidan's sweats and then they dropped down on top of her, letting her feel their weight on top of her for the first time.

Shepard's whole body was on fire for them. She felt protected, free to trust them, to let go of control and surrender to their touch. She wrapped her legs around their waist as they kissed her neck. Kaidan clasped her hand where it lay on the sheet, lacing their fingers together. Shepard rubbed her thumb against their knuckle, eyes fluttering shut. They sucked on her collarbone and she sighed blissfully.

“I don't think I've ever seen you this relaxed,” they murmured in her ear.

“I can't even remember the last time I felt like this.”

They kissed her slowly; Shepard savored every breath of it, every caress, the softness of their lips, their teeth light against her skin, the feel of their legs twining with hers in the sheets. Kaidan kissed her cheeks, her forehead, her fingertips, the end of her nose, making her laugh. She could feel their smile against her skin as they returned their attention to her neck, biting her til she was breathing hard, her hand clamped tight around theirs.

“My turn,” they murmured in her ear. They drew away from her and she flinched at the cool air on her skin, then gasped as their mouth closed around her nipple. Kaidan stroked her breasts, biting her gently, then harder, til Shepard's back was arched and her toes were curling against their thighs. They kissed her belly; she tangled her fingers in their hair, eyes closed, lost in their touch. The heat of their hand slipping into her underwear sent a wave of warmth through her.

“Fuck,” they rasped, feeling the wetness between her legs. The sound of their voice burned through her and she looked down at them; Kaidan was caught up in their need for her, lifting her hips with one hand and dragging her underwear off with the other. Shepard hooked a leg over their shoulder, pulling herself off the mattress, closer to them. They laid her down carefully, openmouthed, parting her pubic hair with deft fingers, and then their mouth was on her pussy, hot and wet and soft.

It was Shepard's turn to drop back onto the pillows, eyes fluttering shut, heart pounding as they sucked at her clitoris, stroking her with a gentle tongue. She gasped, moans catching in her throat as the pleasure rolled over her in waves. She clung to two fistfuls of sheets and blankets, her back arching, Kaidan's warm hand clasping her hips. Her legs were around them, her feet tense, toes curling against their back. She was crying out, only half-aware of it, lost in the sensation of their mouth on her. THey groaned into her pussy, eyes shut, breathing hard as they pleasured her. The vibrations made her breathe deep, heat building slowly somewhere inside her.

Shepard wanted them, all of them, she  _craved_  it, and gritted her teeth against the need to beg for their cock. She could feel herself flexing against their tongue, her clitoris baring itself to Kaidan's touch. They stroked her hard, increasing the pressure til she flinched from it and they retreated back to something she could bear. They was running their tongue up and down the full length of her pussy; Shepard was swollen, sensitive, every part of her flushed and aching for them. She drew breath in time with their caresses, unaware of her responsiveness to them, her body utterly given over to pleasure. She trusted them in her flesh and bones, unthinking, entirely vulnerable and completely safe. Kaidan sucked at her hungrily, drawing moans from her throat that turned into tearing cries as they flicked their tongue against her. Shepard's back arched, her lip caught between her teeth, ecstasy building inside her.

“Oh god, Kaidan, I – ” The rest was lost as she came, her fingers locked in the blankets, her whole body shuddering. It seemed to last for hours, wave after wave of orgasm cresting over her and breaking somewhere deep in her body. Kaidan was groaning against her, feeling her spasms of pleasure against their tongue. They didn't release her til her feet were twitching convulsively against their back, and her cries had turned to helpless whimpers. She caught her breath as she felt their mouth leave her, her muscles relaxing against the pillows.

Shepard lay there, hardly able to move, so exhausted that every limb seemed weighted with lead. Kaidan settled themself between her thighs, kissing her ribs gently and resting their head just below her breasts. They stroked her side with their fingertips, making her sigh contentedly at the caress. She could feel their smile against her belly.

“How was that?” Kaidan murmured.

“Kiss me.” It came out as a whisper. They crawled up over her, kissing her mouth softly. Shepard dragged a hand up off the mattress to hold their head, running her fingers through their hair. She sucked at their tongue, tasting herself on their lips. Kaidan rested themself on top of her. She loved their weight above her, the warmth of them, the shelter of their arms. They kissed her forehead, her closed eyes.

“That okay?”

“Kaidan, it was... incredible.” Shepard opened her eyes, reaching up to stroke their cheek. “God, it was so good.”

“I'm glad.” They bent their head to kiss her. Shepard wrapped her arms around their neck, never wanting the moment to end. Their nearness, the feel of their skin, their harsh stubble, their soft hair, the smell of them, all sent ripples of contentment through her. They nestled their head against her shoulder; she could feel their breath warm on her jaw.

“Kaidan?” she murmured.

“Hmm?” They sounded sleepy.

“I love you.”

They propped themself up on their elbows to look down at her, their dark eyes searching her face. They reached up to stroke her brow, frowning.

“Shepard...”

“What?”

“You don't have to just say that. It's okay.”

“You don't believe me?” She started up, shocked.

“You're drunk, you said it yourself, and... look, it's really okay.”

“No, Kaidan! I'm not  _just drunk_  and – I wouldn't just  _say_  that. Hey. After everything we've been through, everything, Sovereign, Horizon,  _Mars_ , the work we've done together, the things we've said – do you really think I would lie to you? About  _this_?” The hurt was clear in her voice. “You really think that little of me?” She could feel tears gathering behind her eyes.  _Goddamn it, they're making me fucking  weepy.  I'm turning into a goddamn crybaby and this asshole doesn't even believe I, I love them._ The words rang in her head like bells.  _I love them. God, I love them so much, and they still don't trust me._

“I – ” Kaidan sat up, kneeling between her thighs. Shepard pushed herself up against the headboard, chewing on the inside of her cheek to keep her lips from trembling. Her body felt miserably cold without their warmth above her. She saw their face change –  _fuck, they noticed_  – from wary to concerned, to... frightened? They cupped her face in their hands, staring deep into her eyes.

“No. No, Shepard, I don't think – god, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.” She wrapped her hands around their wrists, losing the battle to keep her face steady. Kaidan kissed the tears on her lips, stroking her cheeks dry once, twice. They pressed their forehead to hers, embracing her as she shook.

“I love you too, Shepard,” they whispered fiercely. “I love you  _so much_ _._  I've loved you for so long that – hearing you say it, I – it scared me.” She wrapped her arms around their neck, kissing them hard. They pulled her tight against them and she curled her legs over their thighs, clinging to them with every limb, her lips pressed to theirs, unwilling to break the embrace for anything. They rubbed her back, holding her until she stopped trembling.

“I love you,” she whispered. “I love you, I love you.”

“I love you too.” They smiled into her shoulder. “I never thought I'd get to say it but god, yeah, I love you too.” She relaxed against them, letting out a breath she hadn't even felt herself holding.

“Don't ever scare me like that again.”

“I won't, I swear to god. Jesus, Shepard, look at me. I am  _so sorry.”_ They let out a frustrated breath. “Do you want me to explain?” She nodded.

“I've... I had a crush on you, when we first served together, you know that. And you were with Liara then, and that was fine, I was glad for you. Really.”

“It was a long time ago, Kaidan.”

“I know. Look, I'm not jealous of Liara. This is the 22nd century, and besides, Liara's great. Of course you fell for her. That's not the point.” They held her shoulders gently, staring into Shepard's eyes. “Working with you, watching you command, what you did... I don't ever want you to think I think little of you, Shepard. I look up to you. As a soldier, as a commander, as a human being. You're a hero. You're  _my_  hero. You've done incredible things, things no one else could do, you've survived things that would have destroyed me, hell, you've taken down enemies that damn near killed me.”

“But I – ” They pressed their fingers to her lips.

“Shut up, love. I'm not done.” She grabbed their hand, kissing it fiercely before they could reclaim it. Kaidan smiled sadly, sighed, and moved up the bed to sit beside her, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. She nestled against them, leaning her forehead into the curve of their neck. They stroked her hair.

“I fell in love with you during the fight against Sovereign, Shepard. I don't know when it happened. I tried to just let it be a crush and focus on the mission, but when you went down to Ilos... You took your ground team through the Conduit and you were gone, there was nothing I could do to help you. There was nothing any of us could do. We were trapped on the ship, waiting for word. God, I was terrified that you wouldn't make it. I was out of my mind. I'm not a pilot. All I could do during that battle was think, swinging in my damn safety harness, remembering Ash, knowing how much worse it would be to lose you.

“When I heard that they'd found you alive, it was like my heart stopped. That fight shook me, Shepard. I had to admit I was in love with you after that, it had been staring me in the face for so long. And then a month later, you were dead.” They wrapped their arms around her, squeezing her tight. She rubbed their chest, stroked their jaw. They kissed her hair, clinging to her. She could feel them trembling.

“I was wrong about one thing though.” Their voice was rough, their heart pounding under her hand. “Losing you was worse than I could ever have imagined. God, Shepard, I grieved for you. We all did. Liara tortured herself over leaving you on the ship – I always thought asari took these things so philosophically, but losing you broke her heart. Did you know turians can cry? I didn't. Not the way we do, but I never thought I'd see the day that Garrus Vakarian broke down and fucking wept into his drink. Joker blamed himself for all of it, Karin and Liara had to  _make_  him do the PT and take his meds.” They let out a shuddering breath.

“I was in tears at your funeral. Liara stood there with me. She asked me if I'd loved you, too. We spent a night swapping stories about you. But... you were gone. Garrus disappeared. Liara left for asari space the next morning, she said she couldn't stand it, seeing anyone in uniform made her heart stop. Karin was working for the Alliance, keeping an eye on Joker. I just buried myself in my career. Then there was the promotion, my special ops work, Biotics Division... Two  _years_ , Shepard. I dated a few people, this guy in the Medical Corps, even an asari. They're really something, aren't they?”

“Yeah. All of them, incredible... people. 'Women' doesn't even begin to cover it.”

“No kidding. But even Jotaia couldn't touch you, not for me. I kept telling myself it was ridiculous, that nothing ever even happened between us, that I had to let it go. Time helped. Work helped. And then the rumors came that you were still alive, or had been resurrected. I didn't believe them at first. It sounded insane, you know? I couldn't believe you were back from the dead, and I  _wouldn't_  believe that you'd faked your own death and left us all to mourn for so long. And then, there you were on Horizon, with a Cerberus crew at your back.

“I thought you'd gone into hiding. I thought you'd been lying to us all, letting your friends suffer while you did Cerberus' dirty work.  _Cerberus!_  After Akuze, too – god, I was so angry. I'd spent so long loving you, so long  _missing_  you, and then hearing these crazy rumors that just seemed like horrible lies. And then I thought I had proof that they were true, that you'd betrayed us. I felt like I'd been wrong about you all along.” They pressed their face into her hair.

“It took time for the facts to surface. It took me awhile to calm down enough to believe them, to start to get an idea of what had actually – what Cerberus had really done to you. And until you told me, I didn't really get it. People don't know what happened. Well. I won't repeat the rumors to you.”

“I've heard them,” she said grimly.

“I know. I'm so sorry, Shepard. I thought you saw them as your saviors, I thought you were grateful to Cerberus. I didn't know how they trapped you, or how the Illusive Man manipulated you and used you. When you turned the Normandy over to the Alliance and went back to Earth, I mean you were walking straight into a court martial, and I realized I might have been wrong about you. Everything I'd assumed, all my hurt feelings – I hadn't had the facts. I wanted to see you, but they wouldn't let me. I admit I didn't try too hard. I was afraid to face you, I was scared of what you'd say. I had so many questions, but I couldn't just waltz in there and dump all this on you. I was terrified of being wrong again. I guess that's why I pressed you so hard on Mars. I know I was wrong to do that. At the time I just – I  _had_  to know. I was still so angry, it wasn't rational but I was  _furious_  with you for dying, for  _leaving_  us, and for not running back to the Alliance, to me, the minute you took the Normandy out of dock.

“This whole thing, the Reapers, that fucking snake Udina... Some days I can hardly believe you're really back, Shepard. Some days I wake up and the first thing I remember is your death and it hits me all over again. I don't have the dreams like you do, but I wake up rattled from nightmares that you've had a Cerberus chip in your head all along.”

“ _Christ ,”_  Shepard rasped. She could hardly breathe as the old, familiar terror swamped her.

“I'm sorry, love. I know you have those dreams too.” Kaidan pulled her into their lap and rocked her back and forth, their arms wrapped around her. They kissed her forehead. “You're not a Cerberus plant. They don't own you, they can't control you. You're just you, you're Shepard, my commander, the greatest hero the galaxy could ever hope for. And I love you. I'll always love you, no matter what happens. Shepard, I swear I'll never doubt you again.” She buried her face in their shoulder, curling up in their arms.

“I was... I said what I said because I never really believed you could love me, til now. I've spent so long dreaming about hearing you say those words... Being with you is one thing, sleeping with you is one thing, but your love? I guess I started to think of it as unattainable for me. I never felt like I deserved you. You're such an incredible person, Shepard. I'm just a soldier. You've been my CO, a ghost, a legend, a goddess. I guess I forgot you were a person. I'm so used to you being unreachable. I'm still learning how to be your – your partner.” They leaned their cheek on her hair. “Does that make sense?” Shepard slipped an arm around their neck.

“I never meant to cause you so much pain, Kaidan.”

“None of it was your fault,” they murmured. “Most of it was mine. I made up a lot of things to be angry about.”

“No. It was the Reapers' fault, and the Illusive Man's. Not yours.”

“I should have trusted you.”

“You were in a tough position. If I were in your shoes, if you died and then showed up years later wearing Cerberus colors, I would've been just as suspicious.”

“I'm just sorry for all the things I've said. I know I hurt you. I don't ever want to do that again.”

“Couples fight.”

“This was different. Mars was different. I'm done doubting you, Shepard. I can't respect you and honor you if my hackles go up every time I get scared of losing you again.” She kissed their neck, holding onto them tight.

“Thank you,” she said. Their arms were tense around her, their face pressed into her hair, their eyes screwed shut. She felt a tear slip down her temple.

“I missed you so much.” Their voice was shaking.

“Oh, Kaidan.” She wrapped her arms around them and they buried their face in her shoulder, crying silently.

“I'm here. I'm here now, love. We're finally together, we're home and safe.” She stroked their hair. “Whatever dangers we have to face, from now on I promise we'll face them together. I won't leave you in the dark ever again.” She shut her eyes wearily. “I wish I could have found a way to survive, Kaidan. I tried. God, I tried. I didn't want to go. I didn't want Cerberus to...”

“I know,” they whispered.

“I'm just so glad you made it off the ship that day. I'm so glad you're okay, and here, with me, right now.” She kissed their shoulder. “I love you, you asshole. God, I love you.” They laughed into her neck.

“I  _am_  an asshole, aren't I.”

“A little bit. But so am I. We make a good team.” They were smiling now.

“Yeah. Yeah, we do,” they said.

The two of them fell asleep curled up together at the head of Shepard's bed, in a nest of pillows and comforter, arms wrapped around each other. Kaidan dropped off first, completely exhausted, but Shepard lay awake for some time, watching their peaceful face under the light of the stars outside. When she slept at last, her dreams were haunted by Reapers as she staggered from nightmare to nightmare, searching desperately for a way out, just trying to stay alive, looking for Kaidan, unwilling to leave them again. At last she slipped into a peaceful slumber, never waking to feel them rubbing her back and murmuring reassurances in her ear. She woke the next morning to find their hand clasped tight in hers. Kaidan was fast asleep, smiling softly as they dreamed, and Shepard didn't have the heart to wake them.


End file.
